“Well this has turned into something much more extensive that what I originally planned to write. How do I wrap my ‘self acceptance discovery’ into my conclusion? I haven’t even gotten to my original point yet. This is why I never write anything, it’s really hard to explain anything meaningful without getting into my psychological complexes. Unless I keep it impersonal, concise, and factual, I end up trekking all over the place.”
This is an excerpt from an attempted blog post, which was originally about Living a Traveler’s Lifestyle. My first attempt sounded rather like a college assignment, and the second attempt resulted in a rather dramatic telling of personal life struggles and victories. Ah, what would it be, to have the gift of balance?
Looking over both attempts at my post, I noticed a tragic lack of God’s truth in my questions and reasonings. Reconsidering the whole mess from a better perspective, something else snapped into understanding for me. I’ve been wrestling with a ‘faith block’. Not on a grand scale, but in the little things. How can a person trust God to have given His perfect Son to save their soul, but can’t bring themselves to trust Him in the random little things? How can you have faith for eternity but not for the moment?
To summarize my long-winded attempt at the “traveler’s lifestyle” post; I’ve discovered that I’m currently living the life I’ve believed I should want and be satisfied with, while my heart is withering away inside me despite my attempts to convince it that big dreams and whimsical adventures are too big and indefinite and impractical. My heart’s response to this is “EXACTLY!!” and I’d just keep arguing back. The real discovery here is that I’ve been living as the person I’ve believed I should be, and stifling the desires and strengths of the person I really am. Let me tell you, there is such liberation in accepting yourself as you are.
As I was pondering this new self acceptance, the realization dawned on me, that maybe my ‘faith block’ is because I’ve been trying to draw near to God as the person I thought I had to be, and I wouldn’t let go of it when God would work in me to strip it away, instead shrinking back from Him and not able to get any closer. This was one of those realizations that practically counts as a decision, because its so definitely true. He is so good. He waits for you, for when He knows the time is right, but it doesn’t stop Him from loving you the whole way, even during the times you are rejecting Him. Draw near to Him, beloved, and He will draw near to you.
My resolution to remind myself of this new direction (and my original point from the beginning) is to completely change my lifestyle, adopting the lifestyle of a traveller. What this means to me is living with fewer possessions, less vanity, and less entitlement. And of course, traveling more. Not that I will never settle into a home, but that I will place less value on securing a comfortable ‘nest’ full of possessions and security. Just like the Israelites lived as nomads in tents as a reminder of the promised land, I want to ‘travel light’ through life as a reminder not to settle for comfort, and not to be anything less or different than what I’m meant to be. I have yet to discover exactly what that entails, but I am now on my way!
(Garage sale, anyone?)