Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

Lifeline

May 23rd, 2013 by Lisa

It’s been a dark, difficult, and painful year and a half for me. And from where I’m at now, it doesn’t particularly seem that bad, and while my first thought was maybe I’ve just gotten used to it, I believe it’s more because it’s been that way long before now, it was just less obvious in the years leading here. All the things I’m wrestling with in my heart and mind are things that have been there for a very long time. Fear. Doubt. Self doubt. The inability to have any confidence in myself unless it’s confirmed by someone else. The inability to be honest with myself about what I really think and feel, and the inability to express it. The fear of displeasing anyone, because I take it as a reflection of my performance.

It’s difficult to willingly address these types of things, because for one it’s just a painful and messy process. For two, from the outside it looks like you’re just a mess and out of control. Which you are. Your goal is healing, but you are out of control. And that’s what faith takes, is letting go of control. And to take this step requires a tremendous amount of faith.

One of the things I’ve discovered about living by faith, is that it makes it impossible to give a satisfactory explanation for your actions or decisions. This makes it scary for you, on top of everyone else who cares about you and is concerned. But, with faith comes a peace. Not a peace that erases all fear and doubt, for there are still difficult things that need to be addressed and processed. But this peace, exists deeper than anything else. This peace, it’s deeper than calm. It’s stronger than confidence. It’s an immovable mountain beneath you. Sometimes it feels so far beneath you that you will just be swept away from it by the ocean of emotion that surrounds you. But it’s always there underneath you, and underneath everything else.

This peace is just a knowing, a faith, a trust. That the condition of my heart or mind does not determine or hinder the carrying out of God’s ultimate plan and purpose, and it doesn’t determine wether or not He does or doesn’t bless me or care about me or notice me. God is not slowed or held back by how much or little I understand, or how much I am or am not capable of. The only difference I can make in any of it is whether or not I choose to simply trust and follow Him.

And through this process of learning to live by faith, though I may be swept away in fear or anger or sadness, He is still constant, and full of grace, love, redemption, and reconciliation. And He is my lifeline, so I am safe.

Do What You Love

December 21st, 2012 by Lisa

Adam Baker, founder of Man Vs. Debt, gave a TED talk titled “Sell your crap. Pay your debt. Do what you love.” I loved listening to what he had to say for many reasons, but mostly because he brought to light several concepts that all tie in together, and these concepts are ones I’ve been pondering more and more and trying to grasp.

Do what you love. It’s the only way you are really going to thrive! The concept is that simple. Adam talks about the importance of setting your own goals, and your own definition of freedom to you as an individual, or as a family. Because if you don’t, there are plenty of people and companies and media out there to give you a cookie-cutter template for what your goals should be for your life: go to school, get a job, get married, buy a house, buy more stuff, have the latest gadgets, retire wealthy, etc. It kinda makes me shutter!

When he talked about one of their personal goals being to go backpacking through Australia with their one year old daughter, my heart flipped. That was an assumption I had just accepted, that once I’m married and start having kids, I’m tied down to one place and can’t really travel anymore. Assumption = Myth = Busted!! To me there is so much freedom in the acknowledgement that if it’s important to me, I can do it. Regardless of how practical or probable it is. I can home school my kids and take them on road trips across the states, or even through Europe for some “field studies” if I wanted to! Sure there are always costs and compromises, but if that experience means more to me that owning a brand new car, for example, then that’s my choice to make! Doing what you love is all about deciding what’s most important to you.

I hope to write more on this topic as I’m discovering how to break out of that model of life that I’ve just accepted for so long, and what freedom really is to me. But for now, you should listen to Adam’s talk! What I’ve mentioned above is just a small highlight of what he has to share:

Barbra, Josh, Barbra + Josh

December 5th, 2012 by Lisa

Not too long ago I re-watched Hello Dolly, and also watched Funny Girl for the first time. Needless to say I’ve been on a Barbra Streisand kick ever since! (If you don’t know who she is, all you have to do is listen.)

While listening to a Youtube playlist, I came across a duet Barbra sang with Josh Groban, my other favorite voice! I was ecstatic. After that I got on a little Josh Groban kick (again), and came across a certain song I’ve heard before, but it hit me in a whole new way this time.

So I invite you to listen to my little song compilation: People by Barbra (from Funny Girl), Hidden Away by Josh, and You’re All I Know Of Love by Barbra and Josh.

People

Hidden Away

You’re All I Know Of Love

And hey, here’s Hello Dolly while I’m at it.

Barbra with a dash of Louis. You’re welcome.

Change and blessings

October 10th, 2012 by Lisa

Fall is my absolute favorite time of the year. It’s the very beginning of Fall, when the leaves just start turning colors, it gets slightly cooler, and you can literally smell the sense of change in the air. It’s like there’s more electricity in the air, and it’s exciting but soothing at the same time. Like you know things are changing and you are changing with it, but that all will be taken care of.

Having done lots of job “exploration” over the summer months, I’ve had to face once again the ever changing nature of my interest and pursuits. I’m an “ideas” person. I have lots of ideas and interests. Dedicating myself to really pursuing them is another matter. I’d really rather be free to explore different things without being tied down to any one thing.

Of course freelance web design was what I originally had intended to pursue when quitting my full time job. Housecleaning was something I seriously considered doing for a while this summer. Merchandising was another job I filed out several applications for and was very interested in doing. I also considered selling home made all natural sunscreen, deodorant, perfume, toothpaste, etc. at the local farmers market. And now my latest job interest is transcription.

These thoughts all stemmed from reflecting on my post about the dream life of writing travel guide websites. I used to read things like this I’d written and feel ashamed for not having followed though, or not even maintaining the enthusiasm or motivation. I’d feel like a flake. But, I’ve learned to recognize and even accept the qualities of myself for what they are: qualities. And they are good because they make me who I am.

This summer I’ve also been practicing writing, letting myself out a little bit more through that venue of expression. I’m exploring poetry. I’ve put my camera to use again. I’m giving more time and credit to the creative, exploratory, and seemingly inefficacious part of me.

Truth be told, I’m just so happy to be able to rest in the fact that I am made purposefully, and for good purpose. While I have felt more and more anxious as my savings have steadily decreased, I’ve also trusted that the One who made me purposefully and for good purpose also will provide for me just what I need.

He hasn’t provided me with a job yet, however He just today blessed me with a trip to visit family in Arizona for a week or two. And I cannot describe how much this particular treat means to me at this particular moment in time. It is such a gift. Had I been scrambling for security by my own hand and wrestled for myself a job, then I definitely wouldn’t be able to accept this gift. I can’t wait to see how else He is going to bless me and provide for me.

And I really just can’t get over the fact that He loves me for who I am, where I am, productive or not. And He’s constantly taking care of me.

Re: Re: A Change in Direction

February 6th, 2011 by Lisa

“Well this has turned into something much more extensive that what I originally planned to write. How do I wrap my ‘self acceptance discovery’ into my conclusion? I haven’t even gotten to my original point yet. This is why I never write anything, it’s really hard to explain anything meaningful without getting into my psychological complexes. Unless I keep it impersonal, concise, and factual, I end up trekking all over the place.”

This is an excerpt from an attempted blog post, which was originally about Living a Traveler’s Lifestyle. My first attempt sounded rather like a college assignment, and the second attempt resulted in a rather dramatic telling of personal life struggles and victories. Ah, what would it be, to have the gift of balance?

Looking over both attempts at my post, I noticed a tragic lack of God’s truth in my questions and reasonings. Reconsidering the whole mess from a better perspective, something else snapped into understanding for me. I’ve been wrestling with a ‘faith block’. Not on a grand scale, but in the little things. How can a person trust God to have given His perfect Son to save their soul, but can’t bring themselves to trust Him in the random little things? How can you have faith for eternity but not for the moment?

To summarize my long-winded attempt at the “traveler’s lifestyle” post; I’ve discovered that I’m currently living the life I’ve believed I should want and be satisfied with, while my heart is withering away inside me despite my attempts to convince it that big dreams and whimsical adventures are too big and indefinite and impractical. My heart’s response to this is “EXACTLY!!” and I’d just keep arguing back. The real discovery here is that I’ve been living as the person I’ve believed I should be, and stifling the desires and strengths of the person I really am. Let me tell you, there is such liberation in accepting yourself as you are.

As I was pondering this new self acceptance, the realization dawned on me, that maybe my ‘faith block’ is because I’ve been trying to draw near to God as the person I thought I had to be, and I wouldn’t let go of it when God would work in me to strip it away, instead shrinking back from Him and not able to get any closer. This was one of those realizations that practically counts as a decision, because its so definitely true. He is so good. He waits for you, for when He knows the time is right, but it doesn’t stop Him from loving you the whole way, even during the times you are rejecting Him. Draw near to Him, beloved, and He will draw near to you.

My resolution to remind myself of this new direction (and my original point from the beginning) is to completely change my lifestyle, adopting the lifestyle of a traveller. What this means to me is living with fewer possessions, less vanity, and less entitlement. And of course, traveling more. Not that I will never settle into a home, but that I will place less value on securing a comfortable ‘nest’ full of possessions and security. Just like the Israelites lived as nomads in tents as a reminder of the promised land, I want to ‘travel light’ through life as a reminder not to settle for comfort, and not to be anything less or different than what I’m meant to be. I have yet to discover exactly what that entails, but I am now on my way!

(Garage sale, anyone?)

Note from a creative at heart

January 8th, 2010 by Lisa

I’ve just been reminded how much I enjoy writing. well, maybe not perhaps the process of writing itself, but the product of it. not meaning what I’ve written, specifically, but the feeling of my mind and soul having been exercised. like the feeling that your lungs have expanded. like having wings inside you. oh sweet productivity.

Oh, the impossibilities

October 27th, 2009 by Lisa

It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down

It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground

Washed by the sun

Dried by the rain

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