It’s been a dark, difficult, and painful year and a half for me. And from where I’m at now, it doesn’t particularly seem that bad, and while my first thought was maybe I’ve just gotten used to it, I believe it’s more because it’s been that way long before now, it was just less obvious in the years leading here. All the things I’m wrestling with in my heart and mind are things that have been there for a very long time. Fear. Doubt. Self doubt. The inability to have any confidence in myself unless it’s confirmed by someone else. The inability to be honest with myself about what I really think and feel, and the inability to express it. The fear of displeasing anyone, because I take it as a reflection of my performance.
It’s difficult to willingly address these types of things, because for one it’s just a painful and messy process. For two, from the outside it looks like you’re just a mess and out of control. Which you are. Your goal is healing, but you are out of control. And that’s what faith takes, is letting go of control. And to take this step requires a tremendous amount of faith.
One of the things I’ve discovered about living by faith, is that it makes it impossible to give a satisfactory explanation for your actions or decisions. This makes it scary for you, on top of everyone else who cares about you and is concerned. But, with faith comes a peace. Not a peace that erases all fear and doubt, for there are still difficult things that need to be addressed and processed. But this peace, exists deeper than anything else. This peace, it’s deeper than calm. It’s stronger than confidence. It’s an immovable mountain beneath you. Sometimes it feels so far beneath you that you will just be swept away from it by the ocean of emotion that surrounds you. But it’s always there underneath you, and underneath everything else.
This peace is just a knowing, a faith, a trust. That the condition of my heart or mind does not determine or hinder the carrying out of God’s ultimate plan and purpose, and it doesn’t determine wether or not He does or doesn’t bless me or care about me or notice me. God is not slowed or held back by how much or little I understand, or how much I am or am not capable of. The only difference I can make in any of it is whether or not I choose to simply trust and follow Him.
And through this process of learning to live by faith, though I may be swept away in fear or anger or sadness, He is still constant, and full of grace, love, redemption, and reconciliation. And He is my lifeline, so I am safe.